As long as I have been able to talk, I have always had a questioning mindset.

“Why Are We Here?”

I asked my grandpa, “Pappa” as a child. Thirty years later, I finally received the answer that I’ve been looking for.

The Quest

I was about 10 years old, when my Mamma, Pappa and I were driving down a country road in rural Illinois, one sunny afternoon. Sitting in the backseat, with my head poked in between their front seats, I asked the question, “Pappa, why are we here?” Now, I am not one to forget these things, but for some reason I have never been able to recall his reply. I only remember being unsatisfied with his answer, and ending our conversation with a declaration, “Well, I am going to be the one to figure it out!”. In that moment, I truly believed that I would be the one who would not give up until I found the answer to this age-old mystery. I was on my own personal quest.

I’m Gonna Have A Little Talk With Jesus

Years went by, Mamma and Pappa divorced, and I grew up. Pappa retired and decided to pack up and move home to the Appalachian mountains of Virginia. On the day before my 39th birthday, I got the call. Pappa’s recent pains had gotten worse and he’d made a trip to the hospital. The doctor says he has stage four cancer. I knew right then that my Pappa needed me, and I needed to know that he was headed for heaven. My mom and I drove 20 hours straight to reach him. Many people had begun to pray for his health and salvation.

When we finally arrived to the hospital in Virginia, Pappa was heavily sedated and both hands were restrained. He’d had a hostile response to the confusing news about having cancer and to the pain medication they’d given him. As the sedation wore off, we made small talk. Then, something strange happened. He lifted his head up, looked around, and asked “What’s that sound?” Before I could even reply, he said, “Oh,” as if he had just figured out the source of the sound he heard. “Are they having church here today?” I was confused and replied, “No, but they do have a chapel here.” He slowly laid his head back down and as his eyes gently glazed over, he said, “I hear them praying for me.” Goosebumps! It was one of those “God moments,” a truth that resonates within your spirit. God was showing up for him. With tears, I assured him that they were praying for him.

God is always faithful, and Pappa reconnected with Him one step at a time, after years of being “sidetracked,” as he called it. The hospital was our home for the next several weeks. He started talking about his old Pentecostal days and occasionally he’d break out into song. He’d sing bits of old gospel tunes. At random, he’d sing, “I’m gonna have a little talk with Jesus. Gonna tell him all about my troubles. He will hear my faintest cry. He will answer by and by.” In the hospital elevator and as I rolled his wheelchair down the hallways, he’d sing this. We didn’t care who heard or what they thought.

Still Waiting

During this time, on a short car ride between his doctor visits, I reminded him of my unanswered question from 30 years before. Now that he’s even older and wiser I was sure that he’d have my answer. So, I tried once again, “Why are we here?” He glanced at me and casually remarked, “You just need to have a little talk with Jesus!” He nearly sang it out, just like the melody to his song. I looked at him and said, “That’s it, huh?” With a knowing smirk on his face, “Yep!” he replied, quite pleased with his own answer. Well, I thought to myself, that seemed reasonable - that Jesus could give me the answer. Clever.

Another Country Drive

A couple of months later, Pappa left this earth to go have a personal talk with Jesus. The sense of loss I felt was heart wrenching. I tried to wrap my head around the fact that he was really gone, and really struggled to believe it. I felt very unsettled and it’s hard to describe, but I felt a sense of loss of God’s presence being near.

I knew that I needed to get back to my normal routine. I got up, and got ready for church. As I drove down the country road on a sunny Sunday morning, I prayed to feel closer to God. I prayed for revelation on what He has planned for me next. As I drove, my thoughts started to drift. For some strange reason, I started to to think about one particular challenge I once had while working.

You’re Just Going to Have to Trust Me

I remembered the time when I had worked tirelessly to create several new policies and procedures. I was invited to help train a large group of people on the changes, but we only had a short span of time. At the onset of the training, it was apparent that one individual was having difficulty accepting the changes. The questioning and doubting began, and didn’t stop. Time was being wasted. There was so much more to the big picture here, I thought to myself. I finally had to stop and say, “A lot of consideration, experience, and expertise have been poured into all of this. At some point, you’re just going to have to trust me.”

Bam! That is when it hit me. My morning drive to church revealed something powerful. You see, I have been the one who is always questioning and doubting - my whole life. I believe God was bringing this work experience to my mind as a way to say, “Monica, at some point you’re just going to have to trust Me.”

Finally, The Answer

So, why are we here? The enormity of the picture is far too complex for human comprehension. If the answer was revealed to me in a literal sense, I wouldn’t be capable of processing it. Trusting God means I don’t need to pursue all of life’s answers. God is in control. My burdens can be cast upon Him, and He will work it out, for my good. I can rest and have peace in knowing that He knows the answer, so to me, God literally is “the answer.”

I recently called my Mamma, to talk about this revelation I’ve shared here. I asked her if she remembered this conversation, which she’d witnessed when I was a curious child. I told her about my second attempt to get the answer from Pappa and his reply of, “You just need to have a little talk with Jesus!” She quietly thought to herself for a moment and then she said, “You know...I believe that’s what your Pappa told you back then. Yes, that is exactly what he told you.”

Although my talk with Jesus, through prayer, didn’t initially reveal “the answer” in the way I had expected, I am learning to trust God and I know that He will take care of the rest. God is always faithful. You see, Pappa’s answer had never changed. I had dismissed it years earlier as insufficient, but the power of God’s grace and love working within me has changed my understanding. Pappa’s answer was perfect all along.