*Names in this article have been changed to ensure confidentiality.
Kathleen used to live in fear. The verbal and physical abuse she endured as a victim of domestic violence included hitting, threats, and made her scared to leave the house. Hiding her pain and fear from everybody - her family, her coworkers, and friends - Kathleen endured 15 years of two abusive relationships.
Alone.
"I lost who I was," remembers Kathleen. "I started thinking that I deserved it."
The final straw came when Kathleen's abuser said, "I'm going to kill you." That was the turning point that prompted Kathleen to connect with Rivers of Hope.
Finding Help and Hope
Rivers of Hope is a non-profit agency that offers support, advocacy and referrals to victims of domestic violence in Sherburne and Wright county communities. Rivers of Hope works with men, women and children, though statistically, most victims of domestic violence are women. All services are completely confidential and free of charge.
For Kathleen, and others like her, Rivers of Hope has advocates who listen, talk, find answers, and attend court with the clients. Many clients also attend weekly support groups.
"Laurel [a Rivers of Hope advocate] would pull me up when things started going backwards," said Kathleen. "She would find answers to help ease my worries and fears."
"Laurel would be at the court dates - that was the most awesome. I felt sick because my abuser would be sitting at the next table, but Laurel positioned herself so I didn't have to see him."
With the help of Advocate Laurel and the rest of the team at Rivers of Hope, Kathleen was able to get an Order of Protection against her abuser, which he violated soon after. Eventually, the abuser was convicted to just under two years of prison.
"It's me now taking my life over, and it's not him running it anymore," said Kathleen, who enjoys being able to hear herself laugh again and is now in an "astronomically awesome" healthy relationship with someone who values her.
Affecting Everyone
Domestic violence often gets pushed aside because many see it as a women's issue, a family matter, or a feminist bandwagon. But the reality is: it is a problem that affects schools, neighborhoods, businesses, communities and the economy.
"Seventy percent of domestic case loads are domestic violence cases," says new Executive Director Jodi Vannett, who finds this to be a scary, but telling number about how encompassing this problem is.
Vannett stressed how domestic violence influences business environments including decreased productivity, poor office dynamics and liabilities.
"This is not just a family issue," she said. "It impacts your bottom line."
Likewise, neighborhoods can also suffer through decreasing property rates from foreclosures, a side-effect of domestic violence.
Just Listen
Even though Kathleen hid her pain from friends and coworkers, she wishes they could have recognized her struggle and offered to help.
"Look for the signs. Bruises - I always tried to hide those. Seclusion - I cut off family. The few times I did talk about it, they never did anything. Ask. Tell them you're there to talk. Let them feel comfortable. Listening is all it takes," concluded Kathleen.
Another advocate, Ally, reminds listeners not to judge. It is disheartening to the victim to have someone they've just confided to simply tell them: "Why don't you just leave?"
"Understand the scariest and most unsafe time is when you leave," said Advocate Ally. "Abusive people put on a mask for society; the victim sees [the abuser's] true self."
Many times, the fear of not having law enforcement or a confidant believe them when they report the abuse, deters the victim from reporting it at all.
"If you see the signs, ask questions, show support. Let them know there are resources," said Trisha Mowry, Rivers of Hope Board president.
Another board member, Jenny Paripovich, who works with victim services in Wright County, also added, "It's normal not to know what to say, but that's what Rivers of Hope is here for."
Connecting with Help
Rivers of Hope has a 24-hour crisis line: 763-295-3433. Anyone is welcome to call, whether it be the victim, or family members and friends recognizing the signs of abuse and wondering how they can help.
Rivers of Hope is non-judgmental, and they support women who choose to stay in the relationship or decide to leave.
As part of their services, Rivers of Hope offers individual appointments, support groups and education on how to identify red flags in relationships. They work closely with the judicial system and have contracts with the eight police departments in the two counties to provide domestic violence training and communication. Advocates also assist city attorneys who don't have a victim witness program.
The Cost of Hope
Because Rivers of Hope is a non-profit agency that offers free services, the budget must be filled externally. Roughly 60% of the budget is funded through state, corporate and county grants, leaving the rest to be brought in from business and individual donations.
Executive Director Vannett hopes Rivers of Hope can expand in the area of individual and business donations this year, and is reaching out to the community to fulfill this need.
More Advocates
With increased funding, Vannett would like to add more advocates to their team to make Rivers of Hope more effective and impactful. The current three advocates are stretched thin: one advocate for each county, plus a youth advocate in the schools of both counties.
There are schools and individuals in Sherburne and Wright counties on waiting lists to be connected with advocates. Rivers of Hope also receives many walk-ins, and extra staff would allow these victims to be more efficiently helped.
"It's important to have advocates who can be with victims confidentially," said Paripovich.
Hiring more advocates would enable more one-to-one support for the long term, not just crisis help. Support could be more available to help with transportation and finding jobs after coming out of abusive relationships.
"Our goal is to stop the cycle. People in schools and the community need to be able to recognize the signs before kids get hurt. We need to educate, inform and get money in so we can be more active, more aware," said Mowry.
Dreaming Big
Vannett and the Rivers of Hope Board's dream, if over-abundant funds were available, would be to expand their educational programs in schools, the community, and hospitals, and ultimately, open a women's shelter and transitional housing.
The cost of living is very high, and few women coming out of abusive relationships have ever done the finances before. Many face the choice of waiting seven years on St. Cloud's affordable housing waiting list, or being relocated to affordable housing in northern Minnesota.
If Rivers of Hope had a transitional housing facility, they could better connect women to the right resources, while staying local.
"We need a lot of really big donors and a good foundation of people," said Mowry.
How to Help
Oct. 25, 2014, Rivers of Hope will be hosting its Annual Gala to celebrate 25 years of helping domestic violence victims. The Gala will feature dinner, a silent and live auction, wine pull, cupcake raffle, games, a speaker on the history of Rivers of Hope, and a client will share their story.
Tickets are $50 and can be purchased by calling 763-295-3433 (9 a.m. - 4 p.m.), e-mailing info@ riversofhope.org, or visiting the link on their Facebook page.
For those who can't attend, Rivers of Hope also accepts donations. Some very practical donations they use are gas and grocery cards to directly help women in emergencies.
"When they get out [of an abusive relationship], chances are they have nothing. Abusers lock down bank accounts so they have nothing," explained Laurel.
Another practical thing people can donate are old cell phones. The donated phones are cleaned out and either recycled or used as emergency phones for those at risk. Contact Rivers of Hope or Women of Today to learn more about the cell phone donation.
Community members can also participate in River of Hope's holiday program where advocates recommend families that could use Christmas presents, and match them with shoppers. Last year over 100 families benefited from this program.
This spring, Rivers of Hope will host its annual Be A Lifesaver Event to further raise awareness and funds.
New Executive Director
Jodi Vannett has over 25 years of experience in the social service field and started as River of Hope's new Executive Director Sept. 1. After growing up in North Dakota, Vannett moved to the Twin Cities, and has lived in central Minnesota for the past 10 years.
"I really like working with non-profit organizations. Rivers of Hope already has a good reputation and programs. I love working with families and making services better for them," said Vannett.
Vannett comes to Rivers of Hope after nine and a half years working at New Beginnings in St. Cloud, a transitional housing facility for homeless and at-risk pregnant and new moms.
Positive Things Ahead
Vannett's vision for Sherburne and Wright county is an encompassing community-wide support to make it clear that domestic violence is not tolerated. Abusers are master manipulators, but they can be defeated if everyone is on the same page and has zero tolerance for these abuses.
The current set up puts too much weight on the victim, who many times can't speak for themselves. But, as a community, we can take a stand and be their voice.
Vannett knows there is much work to do to see this vision unfold. As most current domestic violence laws only date back to the 1990s, there is still much to ascertain about their interpretation and enforcement.
Nevertheless, Vannett, the board, and the staff at Rivers of Hope feel up to the task of freeing victims from abusive situations, providing education about a topic people are reluctant to address and acknowledge, changing mindsets of abusers who view women and children as property, and renovating our communities to be safe places for all.
"I've never seen such an energized and committed board," remarked Vannett. "I see really positive things ahead."
To contact Rivers of Hope, call 763-295-3433, visit www.riversofhope. org, or check out their Facebook page.
